The Challenge of Violence

We Are the Work"-Men Stopping Violence Slogan

" I feel therefore I can be free"- Audre Lorde

Today, I sat and thought hard about what would be my first blog.Then, as if to answer my concerns-the universe over the past few days offered me an opportunity to grow in a very challenging situation. (Like it always does!)

There was a conflict; and in response to that conflict some involved reached out in what I felt were very violent and passive aggressive mediums. In response to that violence I felt the ugly within me arise; felt the urge to, out of my own hurt, reach back and hurt those who I felt had so wrongly inflicted violence upon me.

Even with all my training, with all my understanding and embrasure of non-violence; and my belief that violence, be it emotional psychological or spiritual; is never acceptable-(Self-Defense for me is something different) I still wanted to do it. To cut back. To make them feel like I felt. And what did I feel? Well underneath all the anger within me, I recognized I was hurt. And when I got to that place, and believe me it took some doing- I re-realized that anger is often an umbrella emotion, masking beneath it a full range of feelings of pain, frustration and hurt. Yet as a man, and further more as an individual socialized in an hyper-masculine society; my first instinct was not to go to that pain but towards the desire to inflict that pain on others. My first instinct was to get revenge.
And not only that, I wanted to cut them off, and cut them out of my life. And this has been historically my response to those who have caused me emotional pain; and have expressed no desire to be accountable. I would shut them out. Quick & Easy. It's over.

But when I went back to the pain, I realized how much of all my anger was really about how much I had been hurt. So the next thing i went to was why? How is this about me? What is this situation that has awakened anger and hurt within me have to teach?
I sat back and realized that a large part of my anger centered on not being heard. The responses from the said parties really reflected either mis-communication or an inability to hear from their own standpoints of pain. And I was able to connect that to much a deeper pain for me-a pain of a little boy, who, equally so felt unheard or misunderstood and then attacked from those places.

And then I came to another place- a place where i recognized my lack of compassion. A close friend told me today "If we cut each other off every time someone shows their "ugly"-then we will have no-one, because we all have pain in us which manifests in ugly ways." It amazed me how quickly I discounted the fact that the others were in pain too. And while there pain is not a justification for their actions-choosing to respond to their violence with violence would only lead us down the same old road of constructing more pain. And cutting them out of my life-with no conversation; be it as difficult as that conversation may be- was not the answer either. Though I am sensitive; and in many ways than most; I still dont believe running is always the answer. And I have to look at how my actions may have caused them pain as well. Because even if our intent is well meaning; is does not mean that the consequence of the intent is always recieved well. And so I have to reflect back on my actions as well-and be accountable!

And so I've chose to forgive. And not forgive without accountability-no that's not what I mean at all; but to forgive without expectations. And choosing to forgive gave me enough distance from my pain to see how they themselves could be interpreting the scenario, how we both could be bringing in mixed messages and our mixed histories to the situation. It does not make what they did right; but they say " Forgiveness is me giving up the desire to hurt you for hurting me."
and so I'm choosing that.

In connection, I quoted "We are the work" because I believe vehemently that as activists, healers and poets, the work we have to do is not just on the larger societal structures but on our own emotional and spiritual bodies and how we move through the world. Just as institutions have been shaped by violence, sexism, racism etc-so have I and we. And it is useless to challenge those external realities If I don't go within and look at me -If I don't look at my violence, my racism, my sexism, my homophobia-and choose to transform it into love.

Transforming old patterns is not easy. But If I want a world of equality, peace, and love-then I have to be that-and that is a challenge that I believe is worth taking on.

There are so many differences among us. And so many wounds. And some of us may not choose to acknowledge them, or see them-but if we are to really create a world that affirms and not discards-than I believe we have to recognize that we are all reflections of each other. It does not mean that we don't need to distance ourselves sometimes, or leave relationships completely-but I feel it does mean that we can do that in a way that has love for all involved if we are able.

And so with that I kick off my first blog: "Envision This! " Its my way of sharing with the world the world that Is me, and the galaxy I am growing up to be. I Invite you to come with me and Envision this world of the wounded-healing; Envision intimacy ending oppression, envision self awareness stifling the spirit of the ego, envision tears tearing down walls, envision hugs holding us together. Love: Envision This!



Welcome! I'm looking forward to many posts and sharing together!-

Eternally your Reflection,
Yolo Akili, Feb. 19, 2009