IS DRAG TO WOMEN WHAT BLACK FACE IS TO AFRICAN AMERICANS?

(This post originally occured on Fbook, from which it incited alot of intense reactions. I reposted my response to the reactions below)


So when I posted the question that had been posed to me "Is female "drag" impersonations to women what white men in black face is to African Americans" I didn’t expect it to quite get as in intense as it did. Alot of you, posted in this note, gave some very honest, real interpretations, all evolving from your particular standpoint and worldview. I wanted to respond to some of the comments made on the status as well as offer some brief talking points for further consideration.

I wanted to preface this with something also" EVERYONE"S INTREPRETATION OF REALITY IS VALID" You feel it, it is true for you. Is it the absolute truth? Not necessarily. In fact, is their even an absolute truth is another question in of itself.

What we have here is an opportunity to hear from each other about the ways in which we view and or have been impacted by these realities in order to learn something about ourselves. I do not encourage fighting to define someone else's reality. I encourage sharing our own truths, understanding they are just that: our own truths.

I value all of you as friends and colleagues; and I also, even in disagreement, respect your views and ideas. I ask that you please extend that respect to eachother.

So now: Here's a little bit of my truth ( for now, until you offer me something new to learn!! Yay!)

1) Is their anything similar?) Hmm-my first instinct is to say yes, there is a similarity, but they Are not the same thing. Each phenomenon has a different history and legacy rooted in diverse and complicated dynamics. However like all performances of a privileged population of a marginalized group, there are definitely similarities.

First off-I have to say that I’m not always so certain that drag is in admiration of women. In fact I’m pretty certain that sometimes it isn’t. If anything, it’s a celebration of a certain kind of feminine performance; some might even say stereotypical feminine performance more so than a celebration of "women."

I believe that their is a difference. The kind of performance we see often in drag shows often validates and reinforces a certain kind of feminine expression (via women) to be the most desirable and recognizable vestiges of womanhood. That in itself is problematic because people who identify as women embody a spectrum of expression that isn’t necessarily as polarized as the performance art we witness in drag. Do I think that the intention is to offend? No. Does it change the fact that sometimes drag performance can be offensive?

The fact that a man felt entitled to tell Kenyetta, he’s more woman than she will ever be is instructive. Cause in that statement he Is saying "I
can embody and perform this expression better than you ever will be able to; and because that expression is womanhood itself; I will always be more woman than you." Problem? Id like to think so.

Because that performance is not "woman". "Woman" is not synomous with "femininity." Femininity and the range of characteristics associated with it, exist within each of us and I don’t believe should be minimized to high heel pumps and lipstick-not that those are not great things but that they in of themselves do not
define nor principally posses "womanhood", if anything at all does. Just as masculinity is not man, nor cannot be minimized ordefined principally as aggression, lack of emotion or propensity to commit violence.

2) So what’s similar about the two?
A demographic performing caricatures of another demographic for entertainment pleasure by using stereotypes, parody, and in both cases a privileged population (men/whites) performing another (blacks/women).

Just as we can say that drag is an art form, there are many, many, who will say the same about blackface.

All art is educational and instructive. What we create reflects who we are and where we are. "Blackface" and the portrayal of African Americans reflects whites perceptions and beliefs about authentic blackness
and drag performance, like blackface, reflects gay men’s perceptions and beliefs about authentic "womanhood." Could we find a lot of funk in both of these?Oh yeah. I think so.

3) Lastly I want to be intentional herein saying this because I think too often the idea of gay men being buddies to women comes up subtly. But lets be honest: ALL GAY MEN DO NOT LIKE WOMEN. Gay culture is seething with disgust and disdain for women’s bodies, women themselves, and "feminine" characteristics that are seen to be synonymous with "women."
Even the most "feminine" of men often have deep internalized sexism and self hate of their own "feminine" expression running through their veins. You can hear this in the language. "Fish" definitely being the operative term, a word used in a myriad of ways but Mostly connotes the scent of a woman's vagina, and used to express disdain, disgust about a man who embodies characteristics associated with women."

Anywho, this is a complicated conversation to have. But something to think about.
And in thinking about it, maybe not so much about whether it is “WRONG” or “RIGHT” but maybe more so, what are the consequences of this art? What does it validate? What does it help to foster, nurture, or create? What does it say about us who consume it? What is our relationship and understanding of it? Does it help liberate? Oppress? A little of Both? Always, for me, good questions for life.

"Reads that Bleed": Black Gay men and Passive Aggressive Communication

Oh, we've all been there. In the room. In the space. With all the black gay, bi, queer male faces. With All the high strung, defensive,angry tense energy.

You see everyone is on edge-waiting for it.

Waiting for the first assault-however small; the first sly comment, however seemingly minuscule-that will make its way into the room. Eyebrows are raised amidst greetings; lips are pursed in suspicion-many are sweeping the room psychically as if preparing for a military war strategy, much less spending time with a gathering of friends and colleagues.
The conversation begins to deepen and like clockwork, someone reacts. The statement could be about anything; someones "shadiness" some one's "belief" some one's "relationship" or more. It generally comes indirectly; a Swift jab too the throat. Underneath the dinner table, everyone is caressing their switch blades. Fearing they could be the next target of ridicule. Fearing some private moment they shared could be put on the table, some piercing insecurity they disclosed could come up for public scrutiny, or some sexual relationship they have could be probed, exposed and berated.

Ah, the good ole "read". Where would we as black gay men be without it? I mean if we didn't have the concept of the "read:" we might actually have to begin talking to each other and not AT each other. We might actually have, goddess forbid, learned how to assertively express how we are feeling and are being impacted by realities, instead of side swiping each other across the throats with violence passive aggressive communication. Now don't get me wrong "reads" can be fun in playful jest. Yet the reality for many of us is that they are often alot more than just playful jest. I define read is this context as an incisive, inflammatory indirect comments aimed at naming or exposing an issue, perceived flaw, or shortcoming of another individual or thing.

Now these passive aggressive incisive statements are often covers for real hurt, pain, jealousy and anger that we are experiencing.

But instead of saying "Hey, I really missed you and I'm hurt that since you got your boy friend, you don't come around and hang out anymore" we say "The girls get real shady when they get some dick. All of a sudden they start playing Ghost like they Whoopi Goldberg in a bad bill Cosby movie an shit."

But whats the difference? The first one is speaking from a personal place. It's naming how your are affected, and going beneath the anger to locate the deeper meaning. It has more of a possibility of inviting a serious dialogue. The latter is an attempt to hurt someone from your own hurt. It cuts, and is intended too. It does not necessarily open up a conversation about the real issue at hand i;e the friend being missing in action, so much as it creates a space for the friend to feel attacked, defensive, guilty, and ashamed. From this space hes likely to get aggressive back, not open up an intentional dialogue about the challenges of friendships and romantic partners. The reality is, with assertive communication, or any other style-we don't always "get what we want"-but we do take care of ourselves and others by expressing our feelings, relieving us of the weight of carrying all that pressure, and by respecting the other person by not devaluing them.

So, lets have talking points shall we?

1) Like all men, and human beings in this society- I believe we as Black gay men are not taught how to communicate our hurt, pain and issues assertively. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings without attacking, demeaning or disrespecting the needs, realities, or feelings of others.

Often we are taught three communication styles as it relates to conflict

A) Aggression-We just go off on folks, which is emotional violence-screaming, yelling, interrupting, not listening,using our body to intimidate etc, inflicting more trauma and pain, and ultimately not inviting anything but to show how "powerful we are". How "you don't even know me" . "How you are "wrong" or "How i will fuck you up" I.e; -we use the tools that we have been taught by western society. We replicate patterns of abuse inflicted upon us systematically and socially by all major systems of oppression-racism, sexism, homophobia etc.

B) Passive Aggressive-this is where "Reads" often fall, we say nasty things indirectly or do manipulative nasty indirect things to express our hurt. This is often a tool used by those for whom voices have been silenced, or for whom have experienced trauma with speaking their truth ( and who hasn't?) It is aggressive and violent as well and often just as, if not more hurtful, than aggression itself.

C) Passivity- we completely disregard our feelings and let ourselves be a doormat for others, leading to other forms of anger. We belittle our feelings as unimportant. We do not speak out on injustices invoked against us by others, but instead play ourselves down, shut our voices out, and inevitably the anger festers into some other aspect of our life.

None of the latter serve us. What they do serve is creating confusion, drama and unnecessary conflict in a world filled with more than an enough of it already. So why are you creating more of it?


2) Black gay men, like most men in this society, talk about the the realities of loneliness. We are surrounded by loving people, loving friends and family at times-and yet still we feel lonely. This is too much of a complex issue to explore completely here-but a large part of our loneliness is we wont let anyone in. We have been taught to, like straight men "don't trust no other nigga" We have become paranoid about some other person taking, manipulating or hurting us-and so we stay locked up within emotional, spiritual and psyhcic prisons. We don't go deep into anything with anyone, especially, if not specifically, other black gay men-because often those who embody our same cultural demographic are the people who we project the deepest fear of judgement onto. We are scared they will say the horrible harsh things we already say to ourselves in our heads everyday. Release that. Trust a friend. Trust a relative, trust a counselor. Find someone with whom you feel safe. If not, write in a journal. Release all the stuff within you. Stop holding on to the hurt before it kills you!

3) We learn it at home- I have a belief that when it comes to large community gatherings, organizations, friendship circles etc-that this is the place where we more than any other begin to enact dynamics that we learned in our families. For instance, if we learned that aggressiveness gets you what you want in that context as little one's; well then of course if unchecked, we decide to use that again as an adult in familial like gatherings. And so on and so on. Investigating our feelings about family and what we learned can help us begin the process of unlearning, compassionately, what we do not desire to replicate in our own lives. But first we have to realize we can make that choice.

4) All feelings are VALID: That's right. You feel sad today? Embrace it. Feel anger? Embrace that too. Do not "should" on your feelings. There is never any way you "should" feel other than what you feel in any given moment. Embrace your feelings and instead of hurting someone else because of them, look deeper into what they mean for you. What is this connected to you in your experience/life/rearing? What insecurity or fear does this awake in you or bring up? Feelings are often informed by ideologies-yet intellectualizing your feelings wont help you deal with them. Sometimes you just have to sit with them, or be present with them as they are within you, trusting that you are not the feeling, but the feeling is instead something within you that has something to teach you about yourself.

5) You want a friend? BE a friend! In the black community, we have all kinds of biblical quotes and sayings that are hardly ever in practice. One is no judgement-"let he who cast the stone" yadda yadda. But we do judge. In fact judgement is not bad. Judgement in of itself is about evaluation. you evaluate things, friends, life etc.
But evaluation with an assertion of superiority, or moral authority-now that is the funk. This often appears around sex alot. Well you know hes a "ho" or "fast" or fill in the blank. And promiscuity is the funny one for me. Because he's a ho in relation to who? is their a standard number that is acceptable for you to be intimate with? If you have 20 partners over the course of your life or 20 partners over the course of one month is one worse than the other? And who gets to decide? Why are we even counting if its not to impose comparison, or if its not too make ourselves feel better than "those girls", which is all about moral superiority?
What do we know about their lives anyway? Who they are, how they came to be? Are we concerned about their sexual health sincerely? Their hurts, desires, longings, needs? Do we even care or do we just want to kiki about it, have a good laugh and look down upon them? Whats the real purpose here?


In closing, i really want to invite more conversation on us as black gay/bi/trans men talking in ways that invite dialogue and not battle. I want to speak with men in ways that are honest and sincere and not a Russian roulette of who can come back with a snippy reply first. This is not conducive to intimacy. It is not conducive to love. It does not lend itself to building the kind of relationships that help us be all we can be, embrace the gift of life, and survive this already nasty world and society. Until we can learn to really be honest with each other and firm but not violent, until we can learn to be silly with each other but not mean, until we each as individuals start with ourselves by looking at how we are we cannot create or shift this paradigm in our circles and spaces.

And let me be clear, I don't write this as one above or as one who has never enacting these tendencies. I write this as one committed to shifting them and committed to actively be accountable and be loving with the black gay/bi/trans/queer men in my life.

Im a black gay/queer man doing my work to look at myself and see how i could do things differently. Are you a black gay/trans/bi man doing yours?

Becoming Bitter; Black Gay Men & Being Jaded

I woke up this morning with alot of the young black gay men I work with on my mind. So many of them, younger than 25, always talk to me about the fear of becoming bitter. They are always telling me “I just don’t want to be bitter and jaded. I don’t want to be an old "queen" who’s angry at everything and everyone and can’t let anyone get close." This was always troubling to me. For so many of them, the only older black gay men they experienced were often what they saw as angry, jaded, a "mess", or simply bitter. (I want to acknowledge that sometimes the connotation of a mess is connected to a degree of disdain for so called "feminine" attributes, but that’s another blog)

In so many of my conversations with them, it never fails to not come up, the fear that they have no choice but to fall in line with that pattern. The fear is because they often feel there are no other models, their are no other options. This "bitterness" is also often connected to the fear of being single or alone. Unfortunately not many of us have witnessed older black gay men in relationships in older age. We also have failed to understand that being "single" or without a romantic partner, doesnt mean we can’t have brilliant, beautiful and productive lives. It doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. The reality is, we many of us haven’t learned to be happy with ourselves, much less, someone else.



Yet going back to bitterness I have to acknowledge, as Black Gay men in this world, where we have experienced and do experience so many assaults on our self worth daily, where many of us have lived and are living through the HIV/ AIDS sexual health crisis that has taken so many of our friends and lovers, where our communities and churches often degrade and attack us-it's hard not to become bitter. Living in a world where relationships are often competitions for control and power, where we as men have been socialized to "read" each other aggressively instead of communicating our concerns compassionately, where six pack abs, prison masculinity, economic superficiality and lite skin are too often the unrealistic markers of dominant desire- its hard not to be bitter.As black gay men on very different levels of experience, we struggle with this and so much more daily. The world that we have created can be a horrible place. And it’s hard not to become bitter.

But you know what? I still believe we can make a choice.

Let me explain further: I understand "bitterness" to be when we have allowed life’s experiences to harden our hearts. It is when we move through the world allowing our past experiences to cloud our vision and create unhealthy self fulfilling prophecies based on those wounds, seeking at every turn to validate what we have experienced in the past as real in the present. Bitterness is anger on its way to becoming hate.
Anger is healthy. Yet when we don’t go beneath the anger, to acknowledge the pain that is there we end up staying with the anger and often ending up directing it inwardly-as depression; or outwardly; as rage. Hurting ourselves, or re-creating the cycle on someone else.
Most of us have not, and so much of this is about class, been exposed to or given tools with which to help us process our anger. Most of us have not even been offered the opportunity to express our rage and pain; we are so often silenced by communities and society. So today, I wanted to share some beliefs and ideas that help me with my anger and with not being bitter-with the hope that maybe one of them may be helpful to you; or not.


1) Check your perspective- Check the narratives you tell yourself about who you are. Are you kind to yourself? Or harsh? Do you berate yourself, or lift yourself with compassionate accountability?
Do you forgive yourself for what you couldn’t do, didn’t know how to do, or weren’t able to do at the time? Do you see your relationships, failed or otherwise, as opportunities to learn and grow, or just spaces where you were "done wrong" as if you played no part in the chaos of it?
What decision did you make that created the situation, or the situations you are in now? How can u be accountable enough to let go?

2) Stop the comparisons- There is only one you. And if you were meant to look like, be like, be shaped like, and be smart like anyone else, well then you wouldn’t be you. And considering the divine creator of all this made you the way she/he/it did-then it must have thought you were damn good. And you are. YOU are your own standard!! There is no comparison. Comparison is a tool used by those with lack of imagination and a disrespect for divine order. Like who you are. In fact, love who you are. How you look, and how you are, at whatever place you are, love yourself. And if you want to work on things about you-don’t start with judgment and hate, it doesn’t help. Your body responds and all you do is slow down your ability to shift. Be loving to yourself and the rest will follow.

3) Face your fears- too many of us are held hostage by fear in our lives. We have created all these imaginary monsters that we think are going to have all these horrible things happen to us. Fear of following our dreams, fear of facing our truth, etc. Take the time to face your fears intelligently head on. Remember "Fear is faith in reverse."

4) Learn Yourself. Learn your wounds, your issues and challenges. And don’t just justify them-find a way to have a different relationship to them that does not hinder you in the present. Find a therapist, or a counselor. Except help from others. If you we were meant to do it all alone, or to figure it all out by yourself, god/goddess would have just dropped you on an isolated rock somewhere in a remote part of the galaxy as opposed to this rock which is actually teeming with people who can and would love to help you. Seek them out.

5) Make your life what you desire; brick by brick:
A large part of our reality is about interpretation. It's about how you choose to see what’s happening around you. Republicans and democrats witness the same phenomena everyday, and both have a totally different idea about what is happening. This "interpretation of reality" does not mean crazy shit won’t happen to you, or unfair shit won’t happen, it says instead that how you look at it makes a big difference in what you can learn!

6)S.I.N= Self Inflicted Nonsense: You were not born, nor are of evil or wrongdoing. You were born into circumstances and situations, systems and societies with ideas and beliefs that created a reality for the people who brought you here... Anything that happened to you is not a reflection of your worth, only a commentary on how the world is ignorant to your beauty and value as a human being. Don’t let their neglect become your own.

7) Trust that the relationship you need will find you; and celebrate the relationships you have. Too often we devalue our good friends, who, like lovers, are often our emotional supporters. We also can be self defeating in thinking that; Ill never find someone, or there aint no good guys..yadda yadda. Let that talk go. Trust you deserve to have a partner that you love.



Just some random reflections. More to come.

Thoughts On Ableism (s) Part 1

Ableism: The belief that their is one standard ability, size, state of mental health, state of physical health and overall body that an individual should have and the institituional practices and societal discrimination that devalues, berades, belittles and neglects those who do not fit this mythical norm.

I've been thinking about how complex ableism is lately. How it encompasses the myriad of ways standard accessibility in this country continues to only support those who are able to walk, or walk long distances...I've been thinking about how "pity politics" work, where thier is so much sadness for disabled individuals, as oppossed to sadness and frustration at the system that contines to produce ableist inequties, or us ourselves, for the way our ableism truly reflects our own challenges with embracing difference, and our alleginace to the idea of the standard body which causes us so much hurt and pain.

Some reflections.

I go to the spa on my birthday. Apart of my treatment is a facial, for which I am really excited. Id never had one till that day. The woman comes in and after introducing herself, prepares to ask me a series of questions concerning my use of skin products, skin history etc...
she ends with asking: "So what kind of skin do you think you have?" I have never given this any kind of thought, so i spurt out, I dont know, i guess it's regular...or um..normal skin?
Before i can get out normal she blurts out "NO! You do not have normal skin! Normal skin is PERFECT. With no blemishes, no marks. You have marks and blemishes. You do not have Normal skin."

Inside im thinking ouch. and damn. What the hell constitutes "Normal?" and what about this concept of normality did she feel she must so rigidly enforce? What does it mean when someone creates a concept of "normalcy" that no-one fits into? and what drives this compulsion? Also isnt perfection a myth? And subjective? But for so many people it is not. I can only imagine the hundreds of men and women who come to her for services and leave feeling awful or less than because theier skin is not "normal" or not "perfect." and instead of questioning the concept of normalcy itself, spend thier whole lives striving for a concept that is elusive and impossible.

2) Muscle Culture- Ironically and not surprisingly, muscle culture is really not often about being well(whatever that means). It's not always about being a counscious eater, so much as it is about superficiality and the re-enforcement of the "perfect body", ripe with six packs, flat tummy and all. I dont even find it to be about strength often.

What troubles me about this apsect of our culture is the degree of hatred and disdain that this space puts on people who do not have the "standard mythical body" and the level of negative body talk this culture encourages individuals to do to themselves and others. Now let me be clear, muscle culture doesnt operate in isolation, its simply emblematic of the larger culture. Yet it does have something to teach us.

The one concept i think illuminates this is the concept of "too".
IN our culture, we will often say, somone's chest is "too big", or "too small". Someone's legs calves are "too small" etc, etc. But the concept of "too" implies that that body is being compared to some standard. too small in comparsion too who? is a question i often ask, and when i do , the response is a blank stare.
For me the reality is, the idea of someone's body being "too" something is apart of our massive socialization and the reality that the mythical standardized body is always within our heads.

This is not to suggest that working out, or body building is wrong. No, that's not it at all. The problem i think is the puttin down of other people or internalized self hate that often comes along with that; and honestly its not just present at the gym. yet in my experience in gay culture, where superficiality often leads the way; in an interesting site to explore it, however brief.



The bigger question I want to offer is, How can we create space within ourselves ( cause we always start with us) to embrace different body abilities, sizes, shapes etc, and challenge our own self hate ( which is what it is, only projected on others at times) in order to be effective in creating a world where there is no "too" and all our bodies get and deserve equal repsect and honoring? How do we as able bodied individuals, look at our own fear of being disabled as really being linked to our own pitty politics and self hate? Can we find the courage to disrupt the mythical norm by loving our round tummies, our "non-normal " skin, our different abilities, senses, etc?

More to come....

Family is What you Make It! ( Re-discovered writings)

Family is what you make it! ( Re-discovered writings from a while ago)

The upcoming holiday season brings with it both new and old challenges for LGBTQ folks. As the egg nog pours and the shopping frenzies ensue, many of us will find ourselves faced with the option of returning home to our biological families. Even still, many of us will also be forced to face the harsh reality of not having that option.

Yet if we look around, and into ourselves, we are sure to find there is someone who deeply cares for us the way only a family member can.

Sometimes it's our best friend, or "judy-judy". Sometimes it's our "house" members, or "queer family." It could also be a counselor, a caretaker, or a co-worker. Whoever it is, remember that family is what you make it!

For example, in our communities many of us have created extensive fictive kin networks to support ourselves. Though these networks can often, just like our real family, pull stunts and shows (literally), there are still times when some member of our fictive kin was there when no-one else was. They may have offered a smile, a place to stay, an encouraging “U betta work!" or a shoulder to lean on. They may have provided some money, some time, or even better, some belly bursting laughter. Remember them! Thank them for their love or support.

Even if you can't do it personally, do it in your heart. It can make all the difference.

And it doesn't have to stop there. If you are not with your biological family, or even if you are,

hold a "family dinner" for your loved ones and fictive kin members. Get together and spend a day preparing a meal, eating in fellowship, and lounging around afterwards playing board games or watching a movie. Make a thank you wall to help you remember how far you all have come, and what each of you has made it through. Review the lessons of the year and make personal commitments to breaking cycles and patterns of destructive behavior.

Last but not least, forgive. Forgiveness is the act of releasing the anger we have held towards others in the past, in order to embrace the beauty and opportunity available in the present. It can be the easiest thing to say, yet sometimes the hardest thing to do. Still, work on forgiving your family members, fictive or biological, for who they were and who they were not able to be. Though it’s hard for some of us too see it that way, our family members, especially our parents, are individuals just like us. They have pain, issues, fears and problems just like we do. Like us they also may have made poor, or imbalanced decisions. Yet everyone is worthy of forgiveness and compassion. And there's no better time to start forgiving then now.

The holidays are here people! And now we have a decision to make. We can decide to spend this season focusing on "if only’s”, or we can make the choice to focus on and embrace what we have. And what we have, each of us, is someone out there, who loves and cares and worries about us, whether we know or realize it or not. Whether they show it the way we want them too, or whether they are able to show it at all. We have family. Because when we open our hearts, our minds, and our arms to ourselves and each other, family becomes not just what we make it, but ends up being who we are.

Happy Holidays!!

Random Writings 2: Masculinity Kills

THis is apart of an OLD journal i wrote about a year ago. Some stuff could be expanded ( and maybe i will edit it later) but i just cut and pasted it and thought to share. expect mis-spellings. Yall know how i do shatwty.


Masculinity Kills

The real danger is not men. The real danger is not masculinity or masculine embodied people. The real danger is what we have defined masculinity to be. The danger is the beliefs, ideas and concepts that we have for too long defined as male and “masculine”. The danger is that we have defined these things to equate aggression, violence, control and being unemotive. The danger is that too many of us have accepted these codes unilaterally and unapologetically. It is this concept of masculinity, and our acceptance of it, which is a large part of the reason our communities, our families, and our planet is out of balance and spiraling out of control.

Pop Culture mythology has lead us to believe that maleness, or being born as what is perceived to be biologically male automatically equates a number of things. Some of these things are: A natural propsensity towards aggression and violence, an unemotive nature, and in many cases a wandering irresponsible sexuality. Yet science, like the culture itself, is biased. The Scientists who research sexuality and gender often go into their scientific studies looking for evidence to validate what society has already assumed to be true. Thus the hidden barrage of assumptions on what those who are "anatomically male" espouse are not taken as theory; but instead established as fact.

Yet many scientists have debunked the beliefs that anatomically “male” embodied people express specific characteristics. Feminist Scientists have also questioned the construction of “maleness’ and “femaleness” itself. Do our gene chromosomes match up so nicely to our sexual genitalia; and then by extension, our perceived gender? Many would be surprised to find that the answer is probably not. Feminist Scientists who have conducted research and reviewed scientific literature have come to understand what many of us have known all along; that there is no proof to suggest that by virtue of being "male" or "female" one will express any specific traits. They confirm what feminists, sociologists and everyday people have always intuitively understood: That it is not any biological proclivity specific to those born what is known to be male that makes men aggressive and unemotive, but instead the culture of socialization that men experience. In other words, it is what males are taught.

And what are men taught? From birth, the socialization process based on “gender” begins. In most major hospitals, after birth children perceived to be young girls are given pink blankets, and those perceived to be young boys are given the color blue. The colors are not problematic, they are emblematic. They represent the very different messages, beliefs and ideas young boys and girls will receive about who they are , who they should be, and what it is not acceptable to be. This education will come through many forms, it will come through the family, in the form of relatives, cousins, uncles and aunts. It will come through television, music, and books. Boys will be given toy trucks, young girls dolls. If the boys desire dolls, that behavior will be shunned. The boys will be moved towards things that incite aggression. Toys that prep them for war. A quick glance at the “boys” section of any department store will reveal this. All of the toys young boys are encouraged to play with are toys that pertain to fighting, to power, and to control. This is apart of the socialization process. This trait of aggression is encouraged it is not innate.

This socialization process will continue throughout their lives, and will be unespcapable. At every turn young men will hear: real men don’t take no shit. Real men get lots of pussy. Real men have it under control, have their lives under control, have “their women” under control.
In even families who choose not to adhere to this strict manhood code, there children will nonetheless, as long as they participate in western society, be affected by it. The ideology of “maleness” will loom over them all of their lives.
But what is the cost to us as individuals, whether “male” or “female” who embrace this ideology? As an instructor at Men Stopping Violence, A social change organization dedicated to ending male violence against women, I got to see first hand what the cost of this manhood code is to men. Every day I work with men of different ages, different races, different nationalities and though they all were affected and responded to the dominant concept of masculininty differently, they are Men who, from birth internalized that to be a real man they had to “suck it up.” “It” being their emotions and their feelings. But What happens to a human being who is encouraged, through ideology and indoctrination, to disconnect from and not express their emotions and feelings because they make them “less than? What happens to a human being instructed all its life to never express hurt or pain, sadness and sorrow, because it will make them “less than?” What happens when rage and anger are the only ok feeling?
Well. It seems we can look to our world to find the answer, whether “male” or female” the absorption of a power over ethic has left us all in a less than desirable situation. It has left us with a world culture that values dominance and hierarchy, inequality and condemnation, and that is oppossed to any ethic that declares us each as divine, worthy of love, and worthy of life. It leaves us with dangerous masculinity. And at the end of the day, it’s the masculinity, our at least our definition of it, that is killing us all.

Random Writings 1: Ideological Violence

"Uncovered this from my online journal. Kinda interesting. Thoughts?"

In order to effectively infiltrate theories of wholeness into the larger human population, we as queers, as healers, as radical activists and leftists are going to have to incorporate more and more complex strategies. It is not to say that we should give up those skills and things that we have now, but it is to say that those methods are not always effective in getting our voices heard.

For instance, the in your face anti- activism of “were queer were here” or the aggressive demonstrations and protests where “sides” have been taken often do very little to change movements. What they often do instead, is help consolidate the “opposition’s belief that they must fight harder against the other side, and help endorse the idea that these issues are two sided as opposed to being much more complicated with shades of grey that could offer spaces for co-operation. This is why it is integral that we as activist-healers on the left begin the vital work of self awareness, love and reflection. We must learn to look at ourselves. We must recognize that what we create, we must first become. We must remember that the masters tools will never dismantle the masters house. What do I mean by this? Let me share:

What we create we must first become: Each time we go out into the universe with our self righteousness, defensiveness , we replicate more of that same energy in others. When we enter debates or dialogues dis interested in hearing others, or of generating compassion, or of seeing the other side, those individuals get on the defensive and become what we have given:-self righteousness, defensiveness and anger. Then we are unable to hear eachother. The cycle perpetuates itself, and we get more violence, more anger, more pain, less resolution. Generating compassion and keeping a line of communication open between ourselves must be recognized as necessary.

But we cannot generate compassion if there is no self reflection, because we are too caught up in our own anger, in our own pain. We are often so caught up in our own anger, in our own pain and victimization that we cannot even see the world from their view. In order to help with this, The first thing I believe we all as activists have to do is recognize how the work we are doing, whether its reproductive justice or in domestic violence is connected to us ourselves and our own wounding. And we must go beneath the anger, where the real wounding is. Because Anger is nothing but an umbrella emotion; one which covers a list of feelings that we often disconnect from: hurt, pain, confusion, sadness, and frustration. In our patriarchal society in the context of war or debate, these feelings are presented as invalid. Yet we must reclaim them within ourselves.

For instance, lets say I am an individual who says that I am angry at the failure to pass an ENDA bill for LGBTQ rights. The anger is the first place we go, but what is beneath it? Could it be hurt? Hurt that the failure for this bill to pass directly speaks to a cultures placement of little value in my life, in me? Hurt that this is yet another assault on my self worth, a sense of self worth that as a queer person in America, is assaulted daily?

Going to the hurt can help us keep from going to attack. Not going to attack offers us the space to hear and be heard. To generate compassion. To connect internally with the narrative of pain versus the narrative of anger produces a different biochemical response in your body and aura. The narrative of anger gets the blood pressure high, the narrative of pain sombers us.

If we can connect with our deeper emotions, and remain internally aware, we begin to be able to see others more clearly. For if you are acting out of anger to cover pain, surely the others are as well?

Surely there is some wounding, some belief, some pain that leads them to attack. Could it be that the right wings claims of “backlash” , “abuse and “violence” have some level of credence to them?

Of course they do. People on the right wing’s feelings are valid because all of our feelings are valid. But we cannot hear the pain that an African American republican speaks of, because we are too caught up in our own victimization and judgement of his or her ideology and placement. Yet many African Americans who are republican do face harassment, and violence from the community. We must hear their experience and understand that is real for them, but to do so we must step outside of our self centerdness. Stepping outside of our self centerdness means that we have to validate others experiences, even when we don’t feel like it is the whole truth or believe it is what is really happening.

Validating the others perspective allows them to feel heard, and once being heard has happened, once an individual feels validated, the level of resistance wanes. This is where the concept of mirroring is so important. If we are able to mirror and validate back others in time of conflict so that they feel heard, the argumentative energy may be subdued. It also allows us an opportunity to get out of “our stuff” for a minute and hear someone else’s experience. Hearing someone else’s experience gives us the opportunity to see shared mutual interest, and also see others pain.

So if we believe the law of “what we create, we must first become –we have to see that when we create violence and aggression we are embodying those things; they are not separate from us. And the creation of those things within us and without us creates more of it in the universe. It is not the anger or the emotion that we must challenge, but the actions the we do in relation to that emotion. So if we choose to create compassion, to create active listening, there is the possibility that we may create that in others. Though we have to recognize also, that using these tactics may not change the “other side”. They may still respond with aggression.

Yet we do our part in committing not to perpetuate more violence by working towards compassion. We drain our own energy less, feed the egocentric compulsions of this culture less, and offer more room for transformation. We still hold others accountable. We still defend. state and protect ourselves, however, we do not give ourselves over to them, which in our culture is casual and everyday.

Yet this paradigm cannot be so easily uncovered. When we talk about mirroring and compassion, we have to recognize that there real inequalities that socialization and society have created around gender, sex, race, and much more. Interjecting these inequalities into the discourse complicates things. For instance, many women have been socialized always to generate compassion, and in many cases to nurture. When in conversations with many men, who have been socialized that they have an entitlement to space, some women may fall prey to emotional caretaking as opposed to radical dialogue. On the other end of this spectrum, many men may find themselves listening to react, and not listening to hear what the other is saying.

To this I say: that these are our challenges when resisting socialization. If we as men are really interested in ending oppression we must recognize that to not listen, or to listen only to attack is a “tool of the master . “ We must relinquish the need to be right and challenge ourselves to reclaim our full humanity by becoming more empathetic, intune and intouch. Apart also of women’s work must be to learn assertive skills. To become intentional about speaking their desires and needs and challenging the idea of women as meak and passive.

Both of these pose challenges however, and do create the possibility for real lived danger. Men may be bullied for being soft of gay, women may be silenced or intimidateed through violence or abuse. Resistance is not simple enough, and unfortuanately, we will often encounter more aggression than non-violence, even as active proponents of non-violence as a strategy.

which is why There is so much work to do...