"Reads that Bleed": Black Gay men and Passive Aggressive Communication

Oh, we've all been there. In the room. In the space. With all the black gay, bi, queer male faces. With All the high strung, defensive,angry tense energy.

You see everyone is on edge-waiting for it.

Waiting for the first assault-however small; the first sly comment, however seemingly minuscule-that will make its way into the room. Eyebrows are raised amidst greetings; lips are pursed in suspicion-many are sweeping the room psychically as if preparing for a military war strategy, much less spending time with a gathering of friends and colleagues.
The conversation begins to deepen and like clockwork, someone reacts. The statement could be about anything; someone's "shadiness" some one's "belief" some one's "relationship" or more. It generally comes indirectly; a swift jab too the throat. Underneath the dinner table, everyone is caressing their switch blades. Fearing they could be the next target of ridicule. Fearing some private moment they shared could be put on the table, some piercing insecurity they disclosed could come up for public scrutiny, or some sexual relationship they have could be probed, exposed and berated.

Ah, the good ole "read". Where would we as black gay men be without it? I mean if we didn't have the concept of the "read:" we might actually have to begin talking to each other and not AT each other. We might actually have, goddess forbid, learned how to assertively express how we are feeling and are being impacted by realities, instead of side swiping each other across the throat with violent passive aggressive communication. Now don't get me wrong "reads" can be fun in playful jest. Yet the reality for many of us is that they are often alot more than just playful jest. I define read in this context as an incisive, inflammatory indirect comment aimed at naming or exposing an issue, perceived flaw, or shortcoming of another individual or thing.

Now these passive aggressive incisive statements are often covers for real hurt, pain, jealousy and anger that we are experiencing.

But instead of saying "Hey, I really missed you and I'm hurt that since you got your boy friend, you don't come around and hang out anymore" we say "The girls get real shady when they get some dick. All of a sudden they start playing Ghost like they Whoopi Goldberg in a bad bill Cosby movie an shit."

But whats the difference? The first one is speaking from a personal place. It's naming how you are affected and going beneath the anger to locate the deeper meaning. It has more of a possibility of inviting a serious dialogue. The latter is an attempt to hurt someone from your own hurt. It cuts and is intended too. It does not necessarily open up a conversation about the real issue at hand i;e the friend being missing in action, so much as it creates a space for the friend to feel attacked, defensive, guilty, and ashamed. From this space hes likely to get aggressive back, not open up an intentional dialogue about the challenges of friendships and romantic partners. The reality is, with assertive communication, or any other style-we don't always "get what we want"-but we do take care of ourselves and others by expressing our feelings, relieving us of the weight of carrying all that pressure, and by respecting the other person by not devaluing them.

So, lets have talking points shall we?

1) Like all men, and human beings in this society- I believe we as Black gay men are not taught how to communicate our hurt, pain and issues assertively. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings without attacking, demeaning or disrespecting the needs, realities, or feelings of others.

Often we are taught three communication styles as it relates to conflict

A) Aggression-We just go off on folks, which is emotional violence-screaming, yelling, interrupting, not listening,using our body to intimidate etc, inflicting more trauma and pain, and ultimately not inviting anything but to show how "powerful we are". How "you don't even know me" . "How you are "wrong" or "How i will fuck you up" I.e; -we use the tools that we have been taught by western society. We replicate patterns of abuse inflicted upon us systematically and socially by all major systems of oppression-racism, sexism, homophobia etc.

B) Passive Aggressive-this is where "Reads" often fall, we say nasty things indirectly or do manipulative nasty indirect things to express our hurt. This is often a tool used by those for whom voices have been silenced, or for whom have experienced trauma with speaking their truth ( and who hasn't?) It is aggressive and violent as well and often just as, if not more hurtful, than aggression itself.

C) Passivity- we completely disregard our feelings and let ourselves be a doormat for others, leading to other forms of anger. We belittle our feelings as unimportant. We do not speak out on injustices invoked against us by others, but instead play ourselves down, shut our voices out, and inevitably the anger festers into some other aspect of our life.

None of the latter serves us. What they do serve is creating confusion, drama and unnecessary conflict in a world filled with more than an enough of it already. So why are you creating more of it?


2) Black gay men, like most men in this society, talk about the the realities of loneliness. We are surrounded by loving people, loving friends and family at times-and yet still we feel lonely. This is too much of a complex issue to explore completely here-but a large part of our loneliness is we wont let anyone in. We have been taught to, like straight men "don't trust no other nigga" We have become paranoid about some other person taking, manipulating or hurting us-and so we stay locked up within emotional, spiritual and psychic prisons. We don't go deep into anything with anyone, especially, if not specifically, other black gay men-because often those who embody our same cultural demographic are the people who we project the deepest fear of judgement onto. We are scared they will say the horrible harsh things we already say to ourselves in our heads everyday. Release that. Trust a friend. Trust a relative, trust a counselor. Find someone with whom you feel safe. If not, write in a journal. Release all the stuff within you. Stop holding on to the hurt before it kills you!

3) We learn it at home- I have a belief that when it comes to large community gatherings, organizations, friendship circles etc-that this is the place where we more than any other begin to enact dynamics that we learned in our families. For instance, if we learned that aggressiveness gets you what you want in that context as little one's; well then of course if unchecked, we decide to use that again as an adult in familial like gatherings. And so on and so on. Investigating our feelings about family and what we learned can help us begin the process of unlearning, compassionately, what we do not desire to replicate in our own lives. But first we have to realize we can make that choice.

4) All feelings are VALID: That's right. You feel sad today? Embrace it. Feel anger? Embrace that too. Do not "should" on your feelings. There is never any way you "should" feel other than what you feel in any given moment. Embrace your feelings and instead of hurting someone else because of them, look deeper into what they mean for you. What is this connected to you in your experience/life/rearing? What insecurity or fear does this awake in you or bring up? Feelings are often informed by ideologies-yet intellectualizing your feelings wont help you deal with them. Sometimes you just have to sit with them, or be present with them as they are within you, trusting that you are not the feeling, but the feeling is instead something within you that has something to teach you about yourself.

5) You want a friend? BE a friend! In the black community, we have all kinds of biblical quotes and sayings that are hardly ever in practice. One is no judgment-"let he who cast the stone" yadda yadda. But we do judge. In fact judgment is not bad. Judgment in of itself is about evaluation. you evaluate things, friends, life etc.
But evaluation with an assertion of superiority, or moral authority-now that is the funk. This often appears around sex alot. Well you know hes a "ho" or "fast" or fill in the blank. And promiscuity is the funny one for me. Because he's a ho in relation to who? is their a standard number that is acceptable for you to be intimate with? If you have 20 partners over the course of your life or 20 partners over the course of one month is one worse than the other? And who gets to decide? Why are we even counting if its not to impose comparison, or if its not too make ourselves feel better than "those girls", which is all about moral superiority?
What do we know about their lives anyway? Who they are, how they came to be? Are we concerned about their sexual health sincerely? Their hurts, desires, longings, needs? Do we even care or do we just want to kiki about it, have a good laugh and look down upon them? Whats the real purpose here?


In closing, i really want to invite more conversation on us as black gay/bi/trans men talking in ways that invite dialogue and not battle. I want to speak with men in ways that are honest and sincere and not a Russian roulette of who can come back with a snippy reply first. This is not conducive to intimacy. It is not conducive to love. It does not lend itself to building the kind of relationships that help us be all we can be, embrace the gift of life, and survive this already nasty world and society. Until we can learn to really be honest with each other and firm but not violent, until we can learn to be silly with each other but not mean, until we each as individuals start with ourselves by looking at how we are we cannot create or shift this paradigm in our circles and spaces.

And let me be clear, I don't write this as one above or as one who has never enacted these tendencies. I write this as one committed to shifting them and committed to actively be accountable and be loving with the black gay/bi/trans/queer men in my life.

Im a black gay/queer man doing my work to look at myself and see how i could do things differently. Are you a black gay/trans/bi man doing yours?