A Vision, A Possibility & A Promise: An Open Letter to Chris Brown

A Vision, A Possibility and A Promise: An Open Letter To Chris Brown
(The edited version of this letter appeared in the Atlanta Journal Constitution April, 2, 2009: Listed as Domestic Violence: Two Atlanta's Share their Experiences)

Dear Chris,

As a man whose life work is to end violence against women,
Hearing about the violence you did to Rihanna has been both heartbreaking and painful. It made me realize, as I do every day, that we as men all too often make the choice to act out our frustrations on the women in our lives aggressively. In fact, according to statistics, every three minutes a women in this country is assaulted at the hand of a man she knows. However, I do not have the priviledge or illusion, Chris, of seeing you as someone so terribly different from me, or any other man for that matter. Having acted out aggressively towards women in my life, and having worked with hundreds of men who have done the same, I know all too well that as men we enact violence on a broad spectrum, and that we are never to far from reflecting each other. In the spirit of that reflection, I want to share with you the process I undergo in order to to to work on myself , in the hopes that it may help u in your own work.

The first step for me was admittance. I had to be honest with myself and others about what I had done; without excuses, justifications or blaming; I had to name the abuse I inflicted on loved ones in my life and accept and acknowledge the pain and devastation that it had caused them.

And once that had been done, I was faced with a bigger question:
I had seen what kind of man I was, but to change, what kind of man did that mean I must become? I realized that in order to change I had to envision a new masculinity for myself, for without vision-the people truly do perish.
Thus I envsioned a masculinity which abandoned aggression, ownership and abuse as viable means to establish intimacy. I envisioned A masculinity that defined itself through internal worth and not external control.

My vision was then followed by a possibility; the possibility that not only could I imagine this masculinity, but that I could embody it.
This brought out new questions: What does that really mean? Or better yet, what does that even look like? What are the real tools and skills that I would need to be able to navigate this world with non-violence? How would I have to learn to speak, to use my body, to interact with women and men? This is where my training at Men Stopping Violence became so pivotal. Before I was a staff member, I was an intern at MSV. This experience helped me deepen my understanding and gave me real life tools that helped me learn to be assertive and not aggressive, that made me think more about the effects of my actions towards other people, that made me think about the effects of my actions on the world. These self awareness skills gave me the opportunity to choose to end the cycle of anger and pain inflicted on me.

This was not easy, and it was not something I am or was able to do alone or overnight. Nor is it to say that after this program I find myself never embodying aggression Chris. Quite the contrary is true; I have not learned how to be a perfect man, I have learned how to be an imperfect man who is willing to take ownership for his behaviors and be accountable for his actions without minimizing, denying, or blaming others. I have learned to dismiss power over others as a model of practice and embrace power from within as a medium of existence.


This masculinity has come at a price Chris; all too often it means being an outcast, or misunderstood by both men and women. It sometimes means having to challenge gender norms in uncomfortable ways and be apart of uncomfortable conversations. Yet in the long run, it means something much more to me Chris: It means offering an example to young boys that there are others ways to be men in this world, and in that process helping to create safer communities for women and girls. Thus I had to make myself a promise Chris: A promise to myself to work on myself, inside and out, so that I would never ever enact violence against a woman again. A promise to myself that I would not only be accountable to all of my actions, but that I would be accountable to my community; a community which, whether I like it or not, is always watching and looking up to me, a community of young boys who are watching me as a model of who they can or possibly desire to be.

I also Promise that I don’t give up on us men Chris, all of us; until all women and girls are safe from violence. I don’t believe anything short of that is a world worth fighting for. As a brother, as a fellow human being and as man working towards change I hope you are able to hear me. And For the Sake of Rihanna and the millions of women who walk in her shoes, If it is true that you have acted violently, I hope that you take seriously what you done, and the work that you must now do.


With Love & Peace

Yolo