The Sunday Spirit: The Gospel of Shug!

By Alice Walker; from the "Temple of My Familiar"


HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again.

HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace.

HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow.

HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts.

HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors.

HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness.

HELPED are those who know.

The Sunday Spirit: "No Pain No Gain: Celebrating the Wisdom of Betty Wright!"

(Disclaimer: Yolo loves him some Betty Wright. However, I am not in full agreement with alot of the "man politics" in this song or of the idea that the "devil" is messing with our relationships." I also don't support the gender normative enforcers in this song.")

This was a sketchy blog to write. Because I work in the pro-peace movement; I had to ponder for a while; what does it mean for me to say "No Pain No gain?" Am i justifying the abuse that millions of women and men suffer everyday by saying this? Am i colluding with patriarchy in suggesting that pain is a natural part of life? Am i justifying racism? Sexism?

See,I believe that in order for us to grow we must experience pain. I do not believe that all forms of pain are necessary, such as the isms, domestic violence, etc. But i do believe that they each have something to teach us.I believe All pain has something to teach us. The question is are we paying attention or taking time to learn. One of my greatest teachers Starhawk once said "nothing goes away until it has taught us all we need to know". I often think about this in relationship to the myriad of inequities that exist across the planet. But the same is also true about our personal relationships. There is something each of them has to teach us. Something about the human experience that we can learn from studying the dynamics; and looking within ourselves..

So many of us spend our lives running away and avoiding pain. And out of avoiding pain we end up in isolation and bitterness. We end up becoming walking psychological, emotional, and spiritual prisons. This often happens because we are so afraid to experience pain, that vulnerability; the very thing needed to experience love; is shunned and feared. We have to understand that vulnerability means we may experience emotional hurt. And We have to become brave enough to bear the possibility of that pain. If we do not; we will grow increasingly hard and cold and distant from the love we say we desire.

We have to develop the strength, courage and skills to stay present with difficult emotional situations instead of running from them every time things get hard. We have to realize that "pain" is a natural part of our relationships; whether romantic or otherwise "in order to get something you gotta go through something." If we can accept pain as not always an indication of "something wrong" but an indication of "something that needs to be worked through" I think it would help really help us grow..

The Gay Hip Hop Book. ( I love this!)

The Sunday Spirit! : Learning to Respect the Power of Love

I love this song. Every time I hear it it's like a celebration to me. It helps me to remember and affirm all the love that I have shared and all the love that I have been given in my lifetime. It helps me to remember and reflect on all the poor choices I've made in love and all the crazy, mixed up situations I have gotten myself into. It makes me realize that I have learned so much and makes me grateful because I know I have so much more to learn.

Respecting the power of love is no joke. Like myself, many of us are often "victims of foolish thinking" as Stephanie Mills says. We often carelessly "Risk our love and our lives." But why? Why so much pain suffering and confusion? Well, one of the things I have learned is that so much of what we have been taught and have not been taught about relationships creates alot of suffering. When I look back on my life; had I had the ideas and understandings of love that I have now, had I had someone to share with me what they knew-there would have been so much pain I could have avoided. So much less struggle I would have had to go through.
And So today I wanted to share some of things that I've learned with you. Some of them you may know and some of them may be new to you. Yet in the slight chance that they may be helpful; I have decided to share.
I hope you enjoy:


1. You are not responsible for your partners infidelity: I remember as a young person believing this. Believing that if he broke our agreement on a monogamous relationship that it was really because of me. Because of something I was not doing right. Because i was not "taking care of home." His infidelity was always linked to the idea that I had an inadequacy. And it was my inadequacy which was the problem.
As I grew older I realized, a man or woman's choice to break a monogamous relationship agreement (cheat) is about them and them alone. Their choice to cheat is reflective of them and not the partner who is being "cheated" on. If the person who cheats has challenges with the relationship, is not being fulfilled in the relationship, or is just having challenges with monogamy as a construct; then it's up to them to communicate that challenge maturely and directly. Their choice to not communicate it and work through it; but instead cheat and then place the responsibility for their own behavior on the other partner; is, I believe, both abusive and violent.
A partners dishonesty in a relationship is about their own issues &challenges. It's important for people who have been cheated on to recognize that and not internalize it as being about their own worth/or unworthiness.


2. We Come to Relationships to Work out Old Wounds:
I think the more we understand this the easier our relationships can become. We have to understand that our attractions to our partners are often connected to childhood trauma and past experiences. Romantic Relationships ( and relationships of all kinds) offer us the opportunity to heal those wounds by challenging us with similar situations in the present. Study your relationships. Their are patterns in them. Learn the patterns and how you respond to them. Review your upbringing. What were the things you needed emotionally/physical/spiritually as a child that you felt were not present? What are the pains you experienced? Connect the dots: are their any parallels between your upbringing dynamics and the dynamics in your relationships now?
And if there are, it's important not to just see them and make excuses for them: Like "Well I had this experience as a child, so I always do this..etc" but instead look at the situation and ask yourself what is being asked of me to shift this dynamic? What is being asked of me to heal this wound? Do you attract partners who dis-respect boundaries? Is the challenge for you to learn to create boundaries then?
Do you attract partners that do similar things as your primary caregivers as a child did? What is being asked of you to learn in this relationship? What is the opportunity for growth here?

4. Stretching beyond your version of reality.

Non romantic friends often uplift our ego's and validate our sense of self. Romantic partners however, often challenge our sense of self because they bring a starkly different reality and worldview. Romantic Relationships are an opportunity often for us to get out of our heads and our narratives and be present with someone else's experiences and narrative. The universe is always intentional. The people who we attract often "rub our wounds" because I believe that is the universe's way of saying "hey-you know this scar right here? You still have not attended to this..."
Remember that your version of reality, while valid and real, is just your version of reality. Your partner and all people will experience reality differently based on their own history, trauma and wounds. Relationships are often radical opportunities to get out of our own heads and see things from someone else's perspective. If we can learn to do that, we can get through alot in our relationships.

5. We Often Have Many Relationship with the Same people:
We will often attract the same kind of woman, the same kind of man in the same dynamics; until we as individuals learn what it is we need to do with ourselves to work through those dynamics.
The one thing you have to realize is that the only common denominator in all your drama is you. In order to change the equation you have to go to work within. Get support. Get help from a therapist, a counselor-or seek support in books. Iyanla Vanzant, Kate Bornstein, Rob Brezsny, Thich Nhat Hahn, Susan Taylor are some of my favorites. You can look them up or just find something that works for you.
Whatever you do. Do personal "work" with yourself. Journal about your life. Reflect on your experiences. It can make a world of difference.

These are just some of the things I am learning and have learned. And there will always be more to share. Always. Life is a journey encouraging us to always respect the power of love. I hope these may be helpful in your own journey. Cause You are Love. You just have to remember.

In love & peace

Yolo

Poem for my Mothers on Mother day

By Nikki Giovanni

she wanted to be a blade
of grass amid the fields
but he wouldn't agree
to be the dandelion

she wanted to be a robin singing
through the leaves
but he refused to be
her tree

she spun herself into a web
and looking for a place to rest
turned to him
but he stood straight
declining to be her corner

she tried to be a book
but he wouldn't read

she turned herself into a bulb
but he wouldn't let her grow

she decided to become
a woman
and though he still refused
to be a man
she decided it was all
right




"Woman"
By Alice Walker

They were women then
My mama's generation
Husky of voice--stout of
Step
With fists as well as
Hands
How they battered down
Doors
And ironed
Starched white
Shirts
How they led
Armies
Headragged generals
Across mined
Fields
Booby-trapped
Ditches
To discover books
Desks
A place for us
How they knew what we
Must know
Without knowing a page
Of it
Themselves.

The Sunday Spirit: I'm Sorry Black America; I'm Not Convinced That We Love Our Mothers

We say we love our mothers so much in the black community. We sing praises to the single mothers who have "tirelessly" and "selflessly" dedicated their lives to the well being of their children. We sing, pray and shout time and time again about the martyrdom of black mothers.

Phrases such as "She gave up everything for us" or " She never had anything for herself, just to make sure we had" are posted all over face book and twitter. These posts celebrate black women who gave up their lives, their well being, their spirit, their joy and their happiness to serve as martyrs for the black community.

A community that has still not addressed the high degrees of rape, sexual assault, domestic violence and street harassment that black mothers encounter everyday.
In fact; According to the Washington Violence against women Network, African American women constitute 8% of the U.S. population, but account for 20% of the intimate partner homicide victims.

This is also A community that has still not addressed the pervasive ways in which the sons of our black mothers often exploit, manipulate and abuse our mothers.

A community that still says, when a black mother is abused that it is "their business."

A community that has still chosen to endorse a doctrine of black women are "too strong" berating black women for their resilience even as they are enshrined for it.

So,I'm sorry black America. I cannot participate in this illusion.

Cause I am not thoroughly convinced that we love our mothers.


Let me share more.

1)If we loved black women we'd challenge "The Strong Black Woman" Concept:

In one of the Men's Education Classes I taught at Men Stopping Violence, I asked a young brotha about his relationship to the mother of his kids and their children. He aptly told me "He hadn't talked to them in months, but that he knew she was a strong black woman and that she could handle it all."
This infuriated me. How many black heterosexual men have done this? Believed this? How many of our mothers have been abandoned by the fathers of their children because he knew she could handle it because she was after all, a strong black woman?

The myth of the strong black woman has denied black women their wholeness even as it has empowered many women to achieve success. However, looking at the undesirable effects of this doctrine, we can see the cost of being the "backbone of the family" ( which often ends up meaning, sacrificing yourself instead of balancing your own health and needs with others) is depression, dis-ease, and despair. We must all learn to balance our own needs with others and the strong black woman myth has not helped black women understand this. We have not supported and do not support the well being of black women, single mothers or otherwise, when we continually promote self sacrifice instead of supporting self actualization.

2) If we loved Black Mothers we'd end Black Homophobia:

Because all mothers are not heterosexual. Lesbian, bisexual and Trans African American women have been raising black children as well. When the church advocates that gay people are "sinful" or "evil" it is not showing love for black mothers. It is not showing love for the many trans, lesbian and gender queer individuals who have taken it upon themselves to raise the Trans, Gay and Lesbian children that many heterosexual black communities have abandoned. As far as I'm concerned, Addressing Homophobia is a Mothers Day Act.

2) If We Loved Black Mothers we would stop preaching to heterosexual women that they don't have worth unless they have a man.
I think this heading says it all.


3)If We Loved Black Mothers Wed Stop Supporting Them in Being Martyrs:

Black women need to take care of themselves. We need to help take care of black women as well. Black women are not "the mules of the world" ; beings placed here for our use, casual praise and continual abuse. We need to support black mothers taking care of themselves year round-whether those needs are dietary, psychological, spiritual or otherwise. We need to encourage black women to follow their own dreams and celebrate their own worth not just as mothers; but as autonomous human beings.

If we really love our mothers like we say we do; then I believe it's time we start showing it in practice and not just in theory. I suggest we get really serious about creating a more loving reality for our mothers by challenging these realities in policy; theory and in action.

So one day African American Mothers; and further more, ALL mothers everywhere; can truly have a Happy, Happy Mothers day.

Yolo

The Sunday Spirit: "Forgiveness is for ME": On Parents, Compassion & Changing Our Relationships to our wounds

It took me a long time to get there. And even once I had arrived, all to often I found myself shifting back... Back to the anger, back to the pain, The frustration, the disappointment, the neglect. It took me years to see them as something other than just my parents. It took me forever to even recognize that they had pain too; To see that they had wounds, trauma and hurt. That they too had been socialized into a system of messages that they had never had the energy or opportunity to dissect. All I saw was myself. How i was treated, how I felt.

It never even dawned on me that my parents were real people. Not just people planted on this earth to take care of me, but people planted on this earth to learn their own lessons. People sent here to work through their own issues. It took me a while to even acknowledge that there were things about them I didn't know. Things they had experienced, as black people born in the 60's and raised in the 70's, that I would never know. It took me a long time to recognize that the only reason I even had access to the privilege I have today; was because of the painstaking effort they had put into simply surviving. And that all of the things that I had learned about the world; about healing; about spirituality, would not have been possible had it not been for their hard work.

But it's hard still no? To forgive your parents? Heck, To forgive anyone! To forgive them for everything that you wanted from them, needed from them, but they were not able, for whatever reason to provide..Whether it was emotional nurturing, material stability or just presence in our lives how do we find the strength and courage to forgive them? And does forgiveness mean no accountability? No confrontation? And what does forgiveness do? Just make them feel better?

These are some of the questions I've spent my life pondering. I've pondered them when men appeared in my life and they had energies that felt like my father. I've pondered it when I think about how my relationship to feminism is directly linked to my feelings about my mother.

You see, astrologer Liz Greene says "Children are psychological remnants of the parents." In other words, as children, we come into
this lifetime often mirroring back to our parents the aspects of themselves they have not dealt with. We are them of course, and they are us- and this riddle Liz Greene poses has helped me answer alot of questions about both the things I struggle with within my parents and given me clarity around the things they struggle with within me.

See I believe Forgiveness is for me. That's right. I don't believe it's about the other person. See when we carry anger and hurt at our parents, or at black people, or at black gay people, white people,ourselves who-ever; it takes it's toll on OUR spirits. It takes it's toll on OUR souls.

Because its within us; not them- that that anger is festering. And that festering wound shows up as all kind of dis-"ease" in the body and mind. It shows up sometimes as cancer. It shows us sometimes as hypertension. Depression. Over-eating. It shows up in soo many ways and so somehow for the sake of all us we have got to find a way to forgive.

And see, i don't think forgiveness is forgetting. Or even "letting go" of the wound.
The wounds will always be there.
I think forgiveness is about developing a different relationship to the wound and a different relationship to the person who inflicted it.

It means; I go underneath the anger and see my own pain-and I also realize that "Hurt people hurt people" and that the infliction of the pain, whether intended or accidental; is ultimately not so much about me but about that other person.

YES. That other person. You see; what ever energy people put out is always about them. Not you. You may serve as the site of their projection or you may even awaken something within them by your presence; but how they choose to respond/react to that energy awakened within them is ABOUT THEM. It's about their development. Their challenges and their room for growth. It is not about your worth or value as a human being because quite frankly, you are priceless. We all are.

We also have to talk about compassion. Compassion is about stretching beyond yourself. Getting out of your head and saying "this is what i would do" because the reality is your parents, and everyone else is not you and will respond to events differently based on their history and their wounds.

It is also important to say that compassion is not pacifism. It does not mean we don't assert ourselves, build boundaries or challenge authority. Compassion means we learn to see others beyond our own narrow views of reality and try to develop understanding. The ego often does not want to understand or even hear others; it simply wants to create what it desires and affirm its worldview as superior to all others.

I also want to be clear that anger is a powerful, beautiful and necessary emotion. It is violence that concerns me. And As i have said before, violence is anger acted out immaturely. We have to learn to find ways to express our anger that do not inflict trauma. I believe this; among many other things; is a goal of the energetic alignment we are currently experiencing on this planet.

Forgiveness is about me. And it's not a one time thing. Sometimes people do things that awaken old feelings for me.. And i have to journal about it. Cry about it. Write about it. Tell them how I feel about it. But i have chosen to not let my wounds control me. I have chosen to not buy into the powerless concept of "someone made me do something" or "provoked me" because I am affirming that whatever wound is awakened; I have a choice in how I respond. I have a choice in how i relate to my wounds. And I have chosen to work hard at seeing them as the past and be present now.

I have chosen to not hold onto and feed anger in myself at white people, or heterosexual black people, who-ever. I have taken the time to see how their socialization and wounds created their own understandings of reality and I start there. And when the anger is awakened in me; i speak my truth; assert my boundaries and name my reality-with an understanding it is just my reality-and not absolute.

Because Forgiveness is For me. It's for me to heal. To grow. To embrace. To kiss and not cut. To hear and not silence. Forgiveness is for me.Forgiveness is for you. For your own well being, for your own spirit; when all else fails; Forgive.


Yolo