IS DRAG TO WOMEN WHAT BLACK FACE IS TO AFRICAN AMERICANS?

(This post originally occured on Fbook, from which it incited alot of intense reactions. I reposted my response to the reactions below)


So when I posted the question that had been posed to me "Is female "drag" impersonations to women what white men in black face is to African Americans" I didn’t expect it to quite get as in intense as it did. Alot of you, posted in this note, gave some very honest, real interpretations, all evolving from your particular standpoint and worldview. I wanted to respond to some of the comments made on the status as well as offer some brief talking points for further consideration.

I wanted to preface this with something also" EVERYONE"S INTREPRETATION OF REALITY IS VALID" You feel it, it is true for you. Is it the absolute truth? Not necessarily. In fact, is their even an absolute truth is another question in of itself.

What we have here is an opportunity to hear from each other about the ways in which we view and or have been impacted by these realities in order to learn something about ourselves. I do not encourage fighting to define someone else's reality. I encourage sharing our own truths, understanding they are just that: our own truths.

I value all of you as friends and colleagues; and I also, even in disagreement, respect your views and ideas. I ask that you please extend that respect to eachother.

So now: Here's a little bit of my truth ( for now, until you offer me something new to learn!! Yay!)

1) Is their anything similar?) Hmm-my first instinct is to say yes, there is a similarity, but they Are not the same thing. Each phenomenon has a different history and legacy rooted in diverse and complicated dynamics. However like all performances of a privileged population of a marginalized group, there are definitely similarities.

First off-I have to say that I’m not always so certain that drag is in admiration of women. In fact I’m pretty certain that sometimes it isn’t. If anything, it’s a celebration of a certain kind of feminine performance; some might even say stereotypical feminine performance more so than a celebration of "women."

I believe that their is a difference. The kind of performance we see often in drag shows often validates and reinforces a certain kind of feminine expression (via women) to be the most desirable and recognizable vestiges of womanhood. That in itself is problematic because people who identify as women embody a spectrum of expression that isn’t necessarily as polarized as the performance art we witness in drag. Do I think that the intention is to offend? No. Does it change the fact that sometimes drag performance can be offensive?

The fact that a man felt entitled to tell Kenyetta, he’s more woman than she will ever be is instructive. Cause in that statement he Is saying "I
can embody and perform this expression better than you ever will be able to; and because that expression is womanhood itself; I will always be more woman than you." Problem? Id like to think so.

Because that performance is not "woman". "Woman" is not synomous with "femininity." Femininity and the range of characteristics associated with it, exist within each of us and I don’t believe should be minimized to high heel pumps and lipstick-not that those are not great things but that they in of themselves do not
define nor principally posses "womanhood", if anything at all does. Just as masculinity is not man, nor cannot be minimized ordefined principally as aggression, lack of emotion or propensity to commit violence.

2) So what’s similar about the two?
A demographic performing caricatures of another demographic for entertainment pleasure by using stereotypes, parody, and in both cases a privileged population (men/whites) performing another (blacks/women).

Just as we can say that drag is an art form, there are many, many, who will say the same about blackface.

All art is educational and instructive. What we create reflects who we are and where we are. "Blackface" and the portrayal of African Americans reflects whites perceptions and beliefs about authentic blackness
and drag performance, like blackface, reflects gay men’s perceptions and beliefs about authentic "womanhood." Could we find a lot of funk in both of these?Oh yeah. I think so.

3) Lastly I want to be intentional herein saying this because I think too often the idea of gay men being buddies to women comes up subtly. But lets be honest: ALL GAY MEN DO NOT LIKE WOMEN. Gay culture is seething with disgust and disdain for women’s bodies, women themselves, and "feminine" characteristics that are seen to be synonymous with "women."
Even the most "feminine" of men often have deep internalized sexism and self hate of their own "feminine" expression running through their veins. You can hear this in the language. "Fish" definitely being the operative term, a word used in a myriad of ways but Mostly connotes the scent of a woman's vagina, and used to express disdain, disgust about a man who embodies characteristics associated with women."

Anywho, this is a complicated conversation to have. But something to think about.
And in thinking about it, maybe not so much about whether it is “WRONG” or “RIGHT” but maybe more so, what are the consequences of this art? What does it validate? What does it help to foster, nurture, or create? What does it say about us who consume it? What is our relationship and understanding of it? Does it help liberate? Oppress? A little of Both? Always, for me, good questions for life.

"Reads that Bleed": Black Gay men and Passive Aggressive Communication

Oh, we've all been there. In the room. In the space. With all the black gay, bi, queer male faces. With All the high strung, defensive,angry tense energy.

You see everyone is on edge-waiting for it.

Waiting for the first assault-however small; the first sly comment, however seemingly minuscule-that will make its way into the room. Eyebrows are raised amidst greetings; lips are pursed in suspicion-many are sweeping the room psychically as if preparing for a military war strategy, much less spending time with a gathering of friends and colleagues.
The conversation begins to deepen and like clockwork, someone reacts. The statement could be about anything; someone's "shadiness" some one's "belief" some one's "relationship" or more. It generally comes indirectly; a swift jab too the throat. Underneath the dinner table, everyone is caressing their switch blades. Fearing they could be the next target of ridicule. Fearing some private moment they shared could be put on the table, some piercing insecurity they disclosed could come up for public scrutiny, or some sexual relationship they have could be probed, exposed and berated.

Ah, the good ole "read". Where would we as black gay men be without it? I mean if we didn't have the concept of the "read:" we might actually have to begin talking to each other and not AT each other. We might actually have, goddess forbid, learned how to assertively express how we are feeling and are being impacted by realities, instead of side swiping each other across the throat with violent passive aggressive communication. Now don't get me wrong "reads" can be fun in playful jest. Yet the reality for many of us is that they are often alot more than just playful jest. I define read in this context as an incisive, inflammatory indirect comment aimed at naming or exposing an issue, perceived flaw, or shortcoming of another individual or thing.

Now these passive aggressive incisive statements are often covers for real hurt, pain, jealousy and anger that we are experiencing.

But instead of saying "Hey, I really missed you and I'm hurt that since you got your boy friend, you don't come around and hang out anymore" we say "The girls get real shady when they get some dick. All of a sudden they start playing Ghost like they Whoopi Goldberg in a bad bill Cosby movie an shit."

But whats the difference? The first one is speaking from a personal place. It's naming how you are affected and going beneath the anger to locate the deeper meaning. It has more of a possibility of inviting a serious dialogue. The latter is an attempt to hurt someone from your own hurt. It cuts and is intended too. It does not necessarily open up a conversation about the real issue at hand i;e the friend being missing in action, so much as it creates a space for the friend to feel attacked, defensive, guilty, and ashamed. From this space hes likely to get aggressive back, not open up an intentional dialogue about the challenges of friendships and romantic partners. The reality is, with assertive communication, or any other style-we don't always "get what we want"-but we do take care of ourselves and others by expressing our feelings, relieving us of the weight of carrying all that pressure, and by respecting the other person by not devaluing them.

So, lets have talking points shall we?

1) Like all men, and human beings in this society- I believe we as Black gay men are not taught how to communicate our hurt, pain and issues assertively. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings without attacking, demeaning or disrespecting the needs, realities, or feelings of others.

Often we are taught three communication styles as it relates to conflict

A) Aggression-We just go off on folks, which is emotional violence-screaming, yelling, interrupting, not listening,using our body to intimidate etc, inflicting more trauma and pain, and ultimately not inviting anything but to show how "powerful we are". How "you don't even know me" . "How you are "wrong" or "How i will fuck you up" I.e; -we use the tools that we have been taught by western society. We replicate patterns of abuse inflicted upon us systematically and socially by all major systems of oppression-racism, sexism, homophobia etc.

B) Passive Aggressive-this is where "Reads" often fall, we say nasty things indirectly or do manipulative nasty indirect things to express our hurt. This is often a tool used by those for whom voices have been silenced, or for whom have experienced trauma with speaking their truth ( and who hasn't?) It is aggressive and violent as well and often just as, if not more hurtful, than aggression itself.

C) Passivity- we completely disregard our feelings and let ourselves be a doormat for others, leading to other forms of anger. We belittle our feelings as unimportant. We do not speak out on injustices invoked against us by others, but instead play ourselves down, shut our voices out, and inevitably the anger festers into some other aspect of our life.

None of the latter serves us. What they do serve is creating confusion, drama and unnecessary conflict in a world filled with more than an enough of it already. So why are you creating more of it?


2) Black gay men, like most men in this society, talk about the the realities of loneliness. We are surrounded by loving people, loving friends and family at times-and yet still we feel lonely. This is too much of a complex issue to explore completely here-but a large part of our loneliness is we wont let anyone in. We have been taught to, like straight men "don't trust no other nigga" We have become paranoid about some other person taking, manipulating or hurting us-and so we stay locked up within emotional, spiritual and psychic prisons. We don't go deep into anything with anyone, especially, if not specifically, other black gay men-because often those who embody our same cultural demographic are the people who we project the deepest fear of judgement onto. We are scared they will say the horrible harsh things we already say to ourselves in our heads everyday. Release that. Trust a friend. Trust a relative, trust a counselor. Find someone with whom you feel safe. If not, write in a journal. Release all the stuff within you. Stop holding on to the hurt before it kills you!

3) We learn it at home- I have a belief that when it comes to large community gatherings, organizations, friendship circles etc-that this is the place where we more than any other begin to enact dynamics that we learned in our families. For instance, if we learned that aggressiveness gets you what you want in that context as little one's; well then of course if unchecked, we decide to use that again as an adult in familial like gatherings. And so on and so on. Investigating our feelings about family and what we learned can help us begin the process of unlearning, compassionately, what we do not desire to replicate in our own lives. But first we have to realize we can make that choice.

4) All feelings are VALID: That's right. You feel sad today? Embrace it. Feel anger? Embrace that too. Do not "should" on your feelings. There is never any way you "should" feel other than what you feel in any given moment. Embrace your feelings and instead of hurting someone else because of them, look deeper into what they mean for you. What is this connected to you in your experience/life/rearing? What insecurity or fear does this awake in you or bring up? Feelings are often informed by ideologies-yet intellectualizing your feelings wont help you deal with them. Sometimes you just have to sit with them, or be present with them as they are within you, trusting that you are not the feeling, but the feeling is instead something within you that has something to teach you about yourself.

5) You want a friend? BE a friend! In the black community, we have all kinds of biblical quotes and sayings that are hardly ever in practice. One is no judgment-"let he who cast the stone" yadda yadda. But we do judge. In fact judgment is not bad. Judgment in of itself is about evaluation. you evaluate things, friends, life etc.
But evaluation with an assertion of superiority, or moral authority-now that is the funk. This often appears around sex alot. Well you know hes a "ho" or "fast" or fill in the blank. And promiscuity is the funny one for me. Because he's a ho in relation to who? is their a standard number that is acceptable for you to be intimate with? If you have 20 partners over the course of your life or 20 partners over the course of one month is one worse than the other? And who gets to decide? Why are we even counting if its not to impose comparison, or if its not too make ourselves feel better than "those girls", which is all about moral superiority?
What do we know about their lives anyway? Who they are, how they came to be? Are we concerned about their sexual health sincerely? Their hurts, desires, longings, needs? Do we even care or do we just want to kiki about it, have a good laugh and look down upon them? Whats the real purpose here?


In closing, i really want to invite more conversation on us as black gay/bi/trans men talking in ways that invite dialogue and not battle. I want to speak with men in ways that are honest and sincere and not a Russian roulette of who can come back with a snippy reply first. This is not conducive to intimacy. It is not conducive to love. It does not lend itself to building the kind of relationships that help us be all we can be, embrace the gift of life, and survive this already nasty world and society. Until we can learn to really be honest with each other and firm but not violent, until we can learn to be silly with each other but not mean, until we each as individuals start with ourselves by looking at how we are we cannot create or shift this paradigm in our circles and spaces.

And let me be clear, I don't write this as one above or as one who has never enacted these tendencies. I write this as one committed to shifting them and committed to actively be accountable and be loving with the black gay/bi/trans/queer men in my life.

Im a black gay/queer man doing my work to look at myself and see how i could do things differently. Are you a black gay/trans/bi man doing yours?

Becoming Bitter; Black Gay Men & Being Jaded

I woke up this morning with alot of the young black gay men I work with on my mind. So many of them, younger than 25, always talk to me about the fear of becoming bitter. They are always telling me “I just don’t want to be bitter and jaded. I don’t want to be an old "queen" who’s angry at everything and everyone and can’t let anyone get close." This was always troubling to me. For so many of them, the only older black gay men they experienced were often what they saw as angry, jaded, a "mess", or simply bitter. (I want to acknowledge that sometimes the connotation of a mess is connected to a degree of disdain for so called "feminine" attributes, but that’s another blog)

In so many of my conversations with them, it never fails to not come up, the fear that they have no choice but to fall in line with that pattern. The fear is because they often feel there are no other models, their are no other options. This "bitterness" is also often connected to the fear of being single or alone. Unfortunately not many of us have witnessed older black gay men in relationships in older age. We also have failed to understand that being "single" or without a romantic partner, doesnt mean we can’t have brilliant, beautiful and productive lives. It doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. The reality is, we many of us haven’t learned to be happy with ourselves, much less, someone else.



Yet going back to bitterness I have to acknowledge, as Black Gay men in this world, where we have experienced and do experience so many assaults on our self worth daily, where many of us have lived and are living through the HIV/ AIDS sexual health crisis that has taken so many of our friends and lovers, where our communities and churches often degrade and attack us-it's hard not to become bitter. Living in a world where relationships are often competitions for control and power, where we as men have been socialized to "read" each other aggressively instead of communicating our concerns compassionately, where six pack abs, prison masculinity, economic superficiality and lite skin are too often the unrealistic markers of dominant desire- its hard not to be bitter.As black gay men on very different levels of experience, we struggle with this and so much more daily. The world that we have created can be a horrible place. And it’s hard not to become bitter.

But you know what? I still believe we can make a choice.

Let me explain further: I understand "bitterness" to be when we have allowed life’s experiences to harden our hearts. It is when we move through the world allowing our past experiences to cloud our vision and create unhealthy self fulfilling prophecies based on those wounds, seeking at every turn to validate what we have experienced in the past as real in the present. Bitterness is anger on its way to becoming hate.
Anger is healthy. Yet when we don’t go beneath the anger, to acknowledge the pain that is there we end up staying with the anger and often ending up directing it inwardly-as depression; or outwardly; as rage. Hurting ourselves, or re-creating the cycle on someone else.
Most of us have not, and so much of this is about class, been exposed to or given tools with which to help us process our anger. Most of us have not even been offered the opportunity to express our rage and pain; we are so often silenced by communities and society. So today, I wanted to share some beliefs and ideas that help me with my anger and with not being bitter-with the hope that maybe one of them may be helpful to you; or not.


1) Check your perspective- Check the narratives you tell yourself about who you are. Are you kind to yourself? Or harsh? Do you berate yourself, or lift yourself with compassionate accountability?
Do you forgive yourself for what you couldn’t do, didn’t know how to do, or weren’t able to do at the time? Do you see your relationships, failed or otherwise, as opportunities to learn and grow, or just spaces where you were "done wrong" as if you played no part in the chaos of it?
What decision did you make that created the situation, or the situations you are in now? How can u be accountable enough to let go?

2) Stop the comparisons- There is only one you. And if you were meant to look like, be like, be shaped like, and be smart like anyone else, well then you wouldn’t be you. And considering the divine creator of all this made you the way she/he/it did-then it must have thought you were damn good. And you are. YOU are your own standard!! There is no comparison. Comparison is a tool used by those with lack of imagination and a disrespect for divine order. Like who you are. In fact, love who you are. How you look, and how you are, at whatever place you are, love yourself. And if you want to work on things about you-don’t start with judgment and hate, it doesn’t help. Your body responds and all you do is slow down your ability to shift. Be loving to yourself and the rest will follow.

3) Face your fears- too many of us are held hostage by fear in our lives. We have created all these imaginary monsters that we think are going to have all these horrible things happen to us. Fear of following our dreams, fear of facing our truth, etc. Take the time to face your fears intelligently head on. Remember "Fear is faith in reverse."

4) Learn Yourself. Learn your wounds, your issues and challenges. And don’t just justify them-find a way to have a different relationship to them that does not hinder you in the present. Find a therapist, or a counselor. Except help from others. If you we were meant to do it all alone, or to figure it all out by yourself, god/goddess would have just dropped you on an isolated rock somewhere in a remote part of the galaxy as opposed to this rock which is actually teeming with people who can and would love to help you. Seek them out.

5) Make your life what you desire; brick by brick:
A large part of our reality is about interpretation. It's about how you choose to see what’s happening around you. Republicans and democrats witness the same phenomena everyday, and both have a totally different idea about what is happening. This "interpretation of reality" does not mean crazy shit won’t happen to you, or unfair shit won’t happen, it says instead that how you look at it makes a big difference in what you can learn!

6)S.I.N= Self Inflicted Nonsense: You were not born, nor are of evil or wrongdoing. You were born into circumstances and situations, systems and societies with ideas and beliefs that created a reality for the people who brought you here... Anything that happened to you is not a reflection of your worth, only a commentary on how the world is ignorant to your beauty and value as a human being. Don’t let their neglect become your own.

7) Trust that the relationship you need will find you; and celebrate the relationships you have. Too often we devalue our good friends, who, like lovers, are often our emotional supporters. We also can be self defeating in thinking that; Ill never find someone, or there aint no good guys..yadda yadda. Let that talk go. Trust you deserve to have a partner that you love.



Just some random reflections. More to come.