I hear he's got a big black....

After following up some blogs today, I came across the media blitz over that Guy from College Hill who has nude pics on the net now . Many of the blogs talked about how, even though it was horrible that he got nude pics released, at least he was hung. I kinda cruised over that statement the first time until i was like..wait..what if he wasn't hung?

What if his dick wasn't however big it is? Would it then be a source of shame as opposed to celebration? Would his self worth as a sexual being be diminished in lieu of having a phallus that was deemed "ordinary" or "small?"

That brought me to the big dick conversation that many people are having. I know for many of us, its a hard conversation to have, but we really need to talk more about it.

we need to talk about the way in which maleness and sexual worth is tied up to how long, thick and wide your dick is and how that has traumatized, wounded and really created a culture of insecurity and pain in men who have different dick sizes, those who do not have dicks, and those who define thier sexuality primarily through a phall ocentric lens. In other words those of us who believe, sex=dick. the dick is the center, and all other acts outside of penetration are just foreplay. Yall know what im talking about.

So Lets have talking points, shall we?

1). Ive talked to alot of men, straight and gay alike, who have talked about how through the consumption of pornography they learned that thier sexual valor would be defined by how big thier dick was and how hard they could fuck. Many of the men talked about being really unsure about thier penis size, and feeling insecure about sexual performance.

The African American men particularly, expressed alot of concern over not being a "real black man" because they dont have long "jungle dicks" ( they're words, not mine). And this in itself had further created a disconnect from thier bodies. They felt "less than" and that lack of fufillment in themselves in many of these scenarios' led to alot of abusive and controlling behavoirs towards thier partners. They were especially jealous of any other male attention thier partners recieved. What was the fear about? He might have a bigger dick than me.

Of course this is connected to internalized racism for me, because where did this stereotype of the "big black dick" come from? It came from racism, and the fear of black male sexuality. The construction of black men as jungle monkies, who were out to fuck white women with thier huge black dicks and "stain thier purity".

Interestingly enough, that stereotype, which i believe is so destructive, is embraced by many black men to be the truth. Black men just have bigger dicks right?. But i've slept with enough black men to know that our penis sizes vary.
I also understand that one of the reasons black men hold onto the big black dick theory is because it is in many ways an attempt to replace the patriarchal masculinity that racism has not allowed them access to ( institutional power, etc). Whats jacked up is that the embrace and upholding of this still fuels racism and the murdering of black male bodies everyday. Its a no-win situation.

Ive also spoken with trans men who do not have penis' and they speak of the desire for a phallus; and feel that because they do not have the appendage thier is something intrinsically missing about thier maleness. Ive spoken with older men and disabled men, who because of prostrate cancer or another condition cannot "get it up" or "squirt it out" and now are struggling with the idea that thier maleness is in question and thier sexual worth is null and void.

But is maleness really all about the dick? Can we make our maleness, our male sexuality, about something else besides the dick to help us all have better sex lives?

i wonder, What would it look like if our manhood as men was not measured in inches?
Can a man who is impotent, or who has hard time getting erections still have a rich and healthy sex life?
Can he still be celebrated and honored as a sexual being? Can he value himself? Can we create a world where comparison of bodies in this "standardized norm" does not make someone less than?

How can we imagine sex so that our dicks are not just weapons we plow through someone, and so that no matter what we have, we can love and appreciate our bodies and gain and give sexual pleasure?

I believe that we who identify as men have alot of work to do in relationship to our bodies and to sex. We have to find ways to have the difficult conversations that are neccessary for healing about our dicks, dick size-and learn to build a sense of inner sexual worth regardless of where we fall on the spectrum.

We have to learn to embrace our bodies fully in all thier complexities and differences in order to experience the full realm of possibilities and pleasures they can bestow upon us. We have to learn to explore other mediums of pleasure that are not simply about wham bam thank you sam, and cum on someone's face. And we have to talk about women who have penis's too.

And let me be clear that i myself dont exist outside this cannon. I am, and am always doing intentional work ( journaling, affirmations, personal history writing) to help myself develop a sense of self worth that isnt about how big my dick is, or that I have a dick at all. I want to experience my full humanity-and for me that means not allowing ableism to be the crutch of my sensuality.

I dont know. Just thoughts. I would love to deepen this conversation.

What do you think?

Yolo

Imagine If..

Imagine for a minute. A world with no racism, no sexism. No patriarchy, no Homo-phobia no Ableism.

Imagine.

Difference is celebrated. We are different people, different languages, different cultures. Yet none are considered superior to the other, all are seen to be of equal value and importance.

Imagine a world where violence was not the rule of survival. Where dicks are not weapons of mass destruction. Imagine children are safe from sexual assault. Rape is unheard of.

Imagine it is a common cultural belief that our bodies, in all of thier different shapes, sizes and hues, are seen as vessels of the divine. Imagine we are taught ourselves that we are divine. That God, Goddess is us. That we have inner power and immanent value. That "god" loves us by simply living within us. By animating us with life energy .

Imagine.

Imagine we have many identities; children are encouraged to create thier own language to name themselves; we are all able to name ourselves as we wish.

Imagine.

No Homophobia. No fear of same sex desire. It is ok to love openly and bodly who you desire. We are not force fed heterosexuality or taught sexism from birth. No one is told they must be something based on their physical body. We are allowed to be what we wish.

Imagine. Narrow categories of gender do not exist. We express as we wish, in whatever capacity we choose. We wear colors on whatever body we chose and thier are not repercussions.

Imagine, affection and sensuality are of equal value as penetration and orgasm.

Imagine.

Animals that are eaten are honored in their life. Treated with respect and dignity. Thier are no steriods.

Imagine the earth itself is treated with respect and dignity. That our lives are centered around the replenishment and sustenance of the planet, because we all believe in many ways the planet is ourselves.

Imagine, we live in connection with the earth, with technology that provides comfort and engenders sustainability, and does not pollute.

Imagine we loved to love instead of loving to hurt.

Imagine a world where the denigration of others is not entertainment. Their is no Jerry Springer, no reality shows where people are "othered" and introduced as "freaks" to make us feel better about ourselves.


Imagine a community - Where privacy and accountability struck a balance. Where no phenomenon is seen not to be apart of the greater whole. Where we didn't dissapear into "nuclear" families,living behind closed doors and shut blinds, keeping all our pain and challenges inside, homes ultimately designed to self destruct...

Imagine a world where the study and love of the self was valued. That children and people were taught that to understand life, they had to first explore themselves.

Imagine.

Sometimes I do. Because at the end of the day, another world is possible. And that world is always us. And I believe we always have a chance to be that world every waking moment.

But i think before we can end the isms, before we can end oppression and violence. Before any of that can happen...We have to first imagine...

ya know?

Sex, Anyone?

So I just finished watching, or more like finished being disturbed with, this documentary on heterosexual porn.
I wanted to share some thoughts/questions with you all and start a conversation maybe.
Okay here we go. And this is all my thoughts, where i am now. THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN AS THE TRUTH. Just more of what im believing today.

1.) I believe that all people have the capacity to be attracted to all gender and sexualities. Attraction is, however, not always sexual, but can be experienced as an energetic pull between two beings. IN our culture, people often confuse attraction as always being sexual. I dont think it always is, especially if we think of "sexual" as it is meant in the normative discourse.

2) Sexual orientation is not biological, it is socially constructed. I dont believe people are born "gay" or born "straight". I believe that people are born with sexual desires that are impacted by a sexually repressed society, and all the of the sexual assault and trauma that comes with that. I include "homo-phobia" and heterosexism ( as well as ableism and all the other isms) as sexual trauma, since it is an ideology that robs many of thier capacity to express "same "sex desire" by constructing stigma and repression of that desire. I also think it contributes to polarizing sexual attraction into two narrow categories, of "gay" and "straight".
Two identities that function in popular mythology only through the denial or dismissal of the complexities of our attractions, sexual desires and our histories.

3) sexist gender constructs inhibit many from being able to embrace thier desires. I believe that alot of gay men are attracted to women, and gay women attracted to men, but cannot see themselves being thier queer selves in the context of a heterosexual relationship and thus render the union impossible.
In other words, if Im a "feminine" man who is attracted to a "feminine" woman, but because I cannot see myself embodying normative heterosexuality or cant see myself being my normal gay self with her, then our relationship cant happen. Gender gets in the way. It inhibits our imagination!

3) "Gang-Bang Porn" or porn in which multiple men are penetrating or performing sex with a woman, is, in my opinion, a bonding ritual between men in which women are used as vessels for men to attempt to connect with a sense of intimacy with each other that patriarchy has not allowed them too. many men who embrace this ideology do not allow themselves to experience deep vulnerability and emotional bonds with each other, ( because it might look gay) and therefore that energy is redirected into bonding through mutual explotation or sexual acts with women. Aint no fun if the boys cant have none.

4.) I think its interesting that alot of heterosexua identifiedl women will have sex with women as long as thier male partner is present. It seems to me that many heterosexual identified women use thier boyfriends as vessells for them to explore thier own sexual longing for women. Whats interesting though, is that those same women cannot, or will not allow themselves to be intimate with a woman without a man present-is it because he becomes the justifier? He helps the straight card still stand?

I dont know. My heads spinning. More thoughts to come. Sorry for all the mis-spellings!

Surrender..

So much has been shifting through my heart lately, and its been somewhat of a challenging time. For the longest, I wasn't sure what the changes coming over me were about. It was an intense sadness that seemed, at least initially, not to have a direct source.

I'm normally really in touch with my emotional body and so to be in this space where I didnt know felt different, odd, I fought the feelings for a while. But today i decided to surrender. I decided to face my fears of not knowing what it was, of not understanding and having all the answers. I just sat down, and wrote in my journal over and over again:" Surrender. Be still. Trust." And after doing that, I walked into my room and I saw something crawling on my wall....
It was a ladybug. I have no idea how she/he got into my room. ( And um its actually flying around my room as i write lol) As i do always, I looked up the metaphysical or animal totem representation of Ladybugs and this is what I got.

"Lady bug teaches us how to restore our faith and trust in the great spirit. It initiates change where it is needed most. When lady bug appears it is asking us to get out of our own way and allow great spirit to enter."

Sounds like surrender to me huh? Ya know, I know something is happening in my universe. I can feel it in every cell of my body. I dont know what is next to come, but im willing to face it bravely and courageously. Im willing to trust. Im willing to love. Im willing to let go.

And As the ladybug zooms around my head i cant help but think: Isn't the universe wonderful? Isn't this experience divine? Always another oppurtunity to love, to heal, to change, to grow and to learn.

I am so grateful to remember that I am always a student of life and spirit, before anything else. And im so grateful to be able to surrender and see "whats around the river bend"..lol.( thats for Moya and Mia lol.)

Even more so, Im grateful to be able to share this moment with you, and i look forward to our many many tales of transformations together!

In and Love/peace & spirit

Yolo

Lately

Lately I have had this very deep sadness come over me. I don't know what its about. Its not consistent or steady. It shifts and slips over me and then disappears as idly as it came. But it has been real. I thought it would be important to write about it because often people see me as an "always happy guy" and i think it's important to humanize myself against that prison.
Yeah, I have to say I'm not quite sure what it is. It just "is", and most days I have learned to just sit with it and let it be. Let it move it's course through me. On a physical level however things continue to go well. Projects are blooming. Work is good. Money is getting better. But yeah-this sadness is so strange to me-yet so familiar. today a colleague of mine told me that she had sensed that I'm on the verge of something big. I think shes right. I wish I could say I had a better idea what it was. But i do know that often when we go into deep pain, there is often a deep transformation that comes with it...whatever it is..i just thought id share. Everyone keeps asking me when I write a new blog so hey-here it is! LOL.

love/peace/ and healing
Yolo